I was shopping with my friend the other day, and while we were walking she told me, oh I wish I could find the boots I have in my mind, and I told her, oh, I wish I just die.
She gazed at me for seconds, and then said: what?
Honestly, I don’t know how I said that, I mean the words just came out of my mouth without realizing it, without thinking about it.
I was mentally exhausted, my mind was speaking, and my mind was the one who said that, the one who was pleading mercy; oh let me die, let me die. He took the initiative and said it out loud, he wanted to be heard.
Well, I kind of suppress him, I let him talk when I want him to talk, and I ignore what he really wants to say, I ignored him too much lately, that he couldn’t stand it anymore.
I abuse my mind, I make him think and think and think, I don’t give him breaks, I make him think about the past, the good memories, and the bad memories. I make him think about tomorrow, he hates that, he wants to live the day, but I don’t let him.
I make him think about everything I say, and everything people say, I make him analyze every word comes out from people. I make him compare between people, I even make him compare between people the way I want. I make him give advantage to some people over the others, while the facts state otherwise, I make him change the facts, I make him look at things that do not exist. And I also make him ignore obvious things.
I make my mind worry a lot. I make him do a lot of “what if scenarios”, I don’t let him enjoy an hour of relaxing while I watch TV, because even when I’m watching some silly TV show I want him to think about why the hell I’m watching this silly thing?
Even at night, I make him review what happened during the day, even if nothing major happened, I make him search through the events of the day, to find one minor microscopic thing that I could use to blame myself for. Or blame others, or most probably blame him.
Sometimes I make him think about the weather, about the effect the weather has on my mood, and I make him think of solutions to improve my mood during depressing cloudy days. Oh wait, that’s so mean, why would I make him think about the weather?
I’m driving my mind crazy. I know I am. But he can’t really do anything about it, he is stuck with me. so no my dear beautiful mind, I won’t release you. I would never do. For better and for worse…till death do us part.