“till death do us part”

I was shopping with my friend the other day, and while we were walking she told me, oh I wish I could find the boots I have in my mind, and I told her, oh, I wish I just die.

She gazed at me for seconds, and then said: what?

Honestly, I don’t know how I said that, I mean the words just came out of my mouth without realizing it, without thinking about it.

I was mentally exhausted, my mind was speaking, and my mind was the one who said that, the one who was pleading mercy; oh let me die, let me die. He took the initiative and said it out loud, he wanted to be heard.

Well, I kind of suppress him, I let him talk when I want him to talk, and I ignore what he really wants to say, I ignored him too much lately, that he couldn’t stand it anymore.

I abuse my mind, I make him think and think and think, I don’t give him breaks, I make him think about the past, the good memories, and the bad memories. I make him think about tomorrow, he hates that, he wants to live the day, but I don’t let him.

I make him think about everything I say, and everything people say, I make him analyze every word comes out from people. I make him compare between people, I even make him compare between people the way I want. I make him give advantage to some people over the others, while the facts state otherwise, I make him change the facts, I make him look at things that do not exist. And I also make him ignore obvious things.

I make my mind worry a lot. I make him do a lot of “what if scenarios”, I don’t let him enjoy an hour of relaxing while I watch TV, because even when I’m watching some silly TV show I want him to think about why the hell I’m watching this silly thing?

Even at night, I make him review what happened during the day, even if nothing major happened, I make him search through the events of the day, to find one minor microscopic thing that I could use to blame myself for. Or blame others, or most probably blame him.

Sometimes I make him think about the weather, about the effect the weather has on my mood, and I make him think of solutions to improve my mood during depressing cloudy days. Oh wait, that’s so mean, why would I make him think about the weather?

I’m driving my mind crazy. I know I am. But he can’t really do anything about it, he is stuck with me. so no my dear beautiful mind, I won’t release you. I would never do. For better and for worse…till death do us part.

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It hurts

It hurts to see someone crying, it hurts to see someone lose a dear person, it hurts to think that there are people in the world lack the basic needs in life, and others lack the ability to go after their dreams.

It hurts to see people feeling sad because they think that their happiness depends on other people, or maybe depends on having certain material things in life.

It hurts to see those teen girls worried about their appearances, worried about not having a new pair of shoes, thinking that it’s the only and the main reason that boys don’t like them.

It hurts to think about all those people that can’t sleep at night because they are worried about the future of their kids, or most accurately just about tomorrow’s supply of food for their kids. It also hurts me to think about those people that I see in the street, walking with their kids under the rain, not because they want to dance under the rain, but because they don’t have any other choice but walking under the rain.

It hurts to think about all those people that are worried about their tomorrows, ashamed of their past, freaked out about their future, and worried about other people’s opinion about them.

It hurts; it kills me actually, to think about all those people, all those faces in the dark, all those crashed dreams, all those worries and all those problems.

I’m only a human, and I certainly can’t help them all, can’t solve their problems, but I also can’t deny the fact that it hurts, that it even haunts me sometimes.

And I wish, I really really wish that I can access only one of their dreams, to give them a comforting pat on the shoulder, to tell them everything is going to be okay, and to tell them that you are not alone. Maybe, just maybe that’s all what they need. Because I do know that sometimes… it is exactly what I need.

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It’s all about him.. well, or me.

And he told me that he loves the way I sit, how I tilt my legs over each other in a weird childish way.

He told me that he loves how I always answer that there is nothing new with me; and all is fine, when in fact there are hundreds of stories in my head racing to be heard.

He told me that he likes how I get mad and take things seriously when people are just kidding with me.

He told me that he likes how I walk with my head fixed in a specific position and a specific angle seeing no one around.

He told me that he likes how I always forget where I park my car.

He told me that he likes how I always play with my hair when I’m stressed out about something, or when I try to ignore a question that I don’t like to answer.

He told me he likes how I keep asking people about the time while I’m holding my phone in my hand and wearing a watch.

He told me that he likes how I freak out easily when it comes to appointments, How I always want to go early, and start preparing myself 3 hours ahead.

He told me that he likes how I actually love to spend some time of the day doing nothing but staring at the wall.

He told me that he likes how I forget basic conversation skills when I meet new people, and how I just keep smiling at anything and everything.

He told me that he likes how I always lose things INSIDE my bag, and spend 15 minutes getting everything out of it, just to finally discover that the thing was there all the time in the bag’s front pocket.

He told me that he likes how I never laugh at jokes but a silly situation like calling someone with a name that is not his/ her name can just crack me up.

He is strange; he likes everything I find weird about myself. He thinks that those things are what make me special. Well, that’s how I knew that he is imaginary. That is my imaginary friend.

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People

“Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…” »

I truly believe that people come to our lives for specific reasons.

Some may come to open our eyes for things which are just in front of us, but for some reason, we can’t see it, and when we do, it makes all the difference in our lives.

Others may come to tell us that we are doing life the wrong way, it is fake, and it is not real. They come to assure us, that the “real us” are more fun and successful in life than the fake versions of ourselves.

There is also those, that may come to remind us about a certain goal or dream that we have put on the shelf. They come to tell us that it is doable, and that it is exactly what we are here for.

Those people never come to us and tell us “go that way, because it’s the right way”. they don’t tell us what to do or how to act. They do it while we are not paying attention, they deliver their message and purpose quietly… and they always succeed.

They come for a specific period of time, some of them may stay for a while, others may just do what they have to do and leave.

Problem is, we usually mistake the reasons for which people come into our lives. We may get it right at first, we may get it right after they leave, and sometimes, only sometimes, we may never get it at all.

I don’t think that I have met a person who did not change me in a way or another. or added value to my life, or just a smile during a bad day.

They come to your life for a reason, don’t ask too many questions, don’t think about the reason, they know their job and their purpose, be sure that they would NEVER leave you till they get their job done. At that time the best you can do is to release them. emotionally and then physically. Just release them.

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Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Job interviews always get on my nerves, not because of the stress while you’re trying too hard to impress the employer, but because of the whole concept.

I mean, as a start, you sit in front of them, and I’m saying “them”, because usually you’ll be faced by a group consists of 4 people, like a jury or something. The first one will be your future manager, the second one is the Human Resources manager, the third one is the unit director at which you’ll be working, and the fourth person would be an HR employee who’s definitely a younger person than you, and they make him attend the interview basically to train him.

Anyway, putting all of that aside, you sit there, expecting the questions, and memorizing the answers just the way they want.

Seriously, do they expect that you would be surprised by the question: “tell us about yourself”, or would they expect us to answer the question “tell us your weaknesses and strengths” in a negative way. I bet they hear the same answers all the time and thing is, they don’t care. They ask typical questions, and they expect to hear typical answers.

One question that I consider to be my nightmare is this:

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”

Oh MY GOD.

I have been in like 10 interviews in my whole life, and the night before the interview I always get nightmares about this question in specific. I mean there is no way you are going to an interview without being asked this question.

They ask it all the time, they ask it to whoever the candidate is. For example, I got asked this question at my first interview ever, 2 weeks after graduation. I’m still solving this mechanics problem in my head, and memorizing the TQM concepts, and they’re asking me where do I see myself in 5 years?

And the usual answer is, “in your place” and everyone gets a good laugh, hahaha.

Well, for me, I never knew how answer this question, not because I don’t know the answer, but simply because I don’t want to share my answer with you strangers. And definitely I don’t want to answer it “in your place”. This is absurd. Well, this whole question is just an unnecessary question which does NOT measure anyone’s ambitions or anything.

Evil ideas race in my head when I hear this question, and each time I fight the urge to answer the question my way, although the interviewer’s reaction would be priceless if they hear one of my evil answers, which are more realistic than the “in your place” joke.

One answer would be: well, in 5 years from now, I would be married to a rich man and we will be living in Honolulu with 2 adopted kids, because I will be too frightened to give birth to kids of my own. So I just need a temporary job at your company till I’m out of this country.

Or let’s try this answer: in 5 years from now, my ambition would be having an opportunity to work at the most successful magazine in the US. And hopefully become the chief editor in no time. So basically I need the job at your company just till I have my dream come true.

Another answer would be: well, as I have previously stated that I’m very ambitious and always looking for new challenges, probably in 5 years from now, I would be so bored form this company, and looking for another one.

Seriously people, Would you please stop asking this question again in interviews? You’ll never get an honest answer anyways. So hey, why don’t you try to ask this question instead:

“How do you like your coffee?”

It actually tells you about the person more than the 5 years question. Take my word for it.

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Change Please Change

The moment you decide to make a huge change in your life, current things start to seem perfect to you, if you start thinking about buying a new house, in the process of searching, you freak out, you wouldn’t be able to take a decision, and you go back to your house seeing that the reasons that made you at first think about changing your house, are not that important any more.

You look at the long stairs leading to your house and say, it’s okay, who needs an elevator anyways, taking the stairs is good for the heart, and the body.

You look at that noisy place in front of your house, and you suddenly decide that it’s not as noisy as you always thought; on the contrary, it brings life to the neighborhood.

You look at your small room, and you renew your love to it. You start to think that you don’t need a bigger room; this is just cozy and special.

You look at every inch of your current house and start convincing yourself that it’s not as bad as you thought and that you don’t really need a new house.so eventually, you change your mind, and you stop the search

I should tell you this: when that happens to you, be careful, don’t get that sentimental, don’t be weak, and don’t think that you don’t need the change. You are just afraid of taking a decision, you are just afraid of change.

As much as we need change in our lives, as much as it is hard to go for it. We want it, we want change, yet we don’t want to take a step forward, it’s freaky I must say. After all, you’re putting your feet in a dark mysterious place that you may like, or not.

The fear is justified, the confusion is justified and the hesitation is justified, BUT what is not justified is falling for it. Don’t fall for any of it.

If you thought that you need a certain change in your life, go for it, if you thought that you need to change your job because you are not happy and it doesn’t fulfill your ambitions, go for it.

If you thought that you need to change something about yourself, because it irritates you and you keep thinking about it day and night, then go for it.

Don’t be afraid of the change, take a decision, and give yourself a chance. Don’t fall in the trap.

As for me, I’m very happy about my behaviors for example, although I always thought that I’m over sensitive when it comes to certain silly things, and that I should change that thing about me. but, coming to think of it, oversensitvity is fine. hey, no, I won’t change that, who needs a change anyways? 😛

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Sharing is Caring?

For  about 2 years I used to write some posts and share them on my Facebook profile, there were people who loved my writings, and waited every single post, and always made sure to give me feedback, “I salute you”, there were also people who haven’t read any, they were too lazy to read-I guess-.and there were those people, who read my posts, never comment, but when they see me, they start discussing my posts ; “what’s wrong with you Manal? All is good? I read that post of yours, and it was so dark, negative, full of sadness. What’s happening with you?”

On other occasions, the same type of people, they come to me in a hurry, and say: “Oh Manal, what did you mean by your last post? Is it something with work, family, bla bla bla… is it something I did?”

I usually respond that I don’t discuss my posts. I write, you are welcome to comment, but please whenever you see me, please don’t start discussing my posts, I just don’t like it.

It happened once, twice, and then I started to get really irritated.

I can understand their concerns, but seriously, sharing your posts with people you know can be harder than you think, they start linking your writings to things they know about you, they try to find the relationship between what you write and what happened with you lately.

Sharing what you write with your friends is critical, because they look at it from a specific angle. ONE ACUTE ANGLE.

Well, I cannot deny that some posts are somehow related to some incidents I encounter in my daily life. But this is not always the case and this was never the point of my writings.

It was this one time that made me take a decision of not sharing any more posts with the people I know. It was about a year ago, and I saw a friend who had read a post I wrote, she started this subject out of nowhere “Manal, it’s okay, this is life, be optimistic, don’t be sad” and I was like “what the hell is she talking about?” then I figured out that she was talking about some ironic post I wrote. And at that exact moment, I said in my mind “okay, this is it”

Of course at the same day, I deleted all my posts from my facebook profile and decided never to share any again.

Sharing with strangers is much more enlightening, it sets you free, like REALLY free, it makes you write without thinking that people will judge you, or create imaginary relationships between what you write and some variables they know about you. And this is the best thing about blogging.

Thing is, strangers look at what you write from different angles, each one of them look at it from his own angle, they read and analyze based on what they read. They don’t read and analyze based on what they know about you.

So for those strangers whose faces I cannot see, I say Thank You.

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